Burnt Out, Can I cope? "My personal journey through church and life induced burn out"
I am a Christian, I have been all my life, I have never known anything different. I grew up in the church. Where you serve your God and his people. I don't mean to brag, but I was an active contributing church member. I did Sunday school, nursery, girls clubs, bible studies, youth group, praise team, played piano, and served Each summer as a volunteer at a summer camp for mentally challenged adults and children. I traveled across the prairies through forest fires to be a camp counsellor for unchurched kids in Northern Manitoba. Even was a co-director of our churches VBS program for 3 years, I was at the top of the game, or so I thought.
Serving was a way for coping with the hardships in my life, and most of the time I truly enjoyed it, so it was a way of escaping. However that all began to change, Life started to bog me down, mental space started to be used up. At first, I just pushed through it, but then in my opinion satan went to work, to use up any little extra space remaining for service.
I began to feel undermined, my talents became something to criticize, my depression became something to blame, anxiety something to hate me for, being told that I use my talents for only personal gain, I was increasingly feeling heart broken. It hit a tipping point when I was asked to stop being a counsellor for the girls club at our church, because I did not conform to the rules( i.e.: proper uniform), and likings of others, I was beyond devastated. It was handled incredibly poorly, my heart filled with rage and hurt. I realize that I was immature in my actions while being a counsellor, however, when a church you call home, becomes a place that you feel less then worthy, and not worth working things out as adults in, my service heart became increasingly hardened. Yet they are still in need of volunteers for service, I felt it was only if you will conform to their terms. It was like the rug had been pulled out. I had struggled in the first place to come to this church, because I felt judged from the moment I walked in, this is not how I wanted or expected to feel in God's house. I tried to put it all aside however Sundays became a day I hated. Strong word, I get it. But lets be real, I hate Sundays. I don't like how I look, feel or how I am perceived. I hated putting on my " tough" mask, and fake nice exterior, while inside I was dying, and crying out, I was on my knee's and no one knew. Many just assumed my poor attendance was due to being lazy. Not once has someone asked me from outside my circle of close friends if we were ok and truly meant it, as in dove deeper into our lives beyond the basic how are you, but not really wanting to hear anything other then the typical "good, and you?" response, despite our absence. One Sunday, I was asked how I was doing, I said " Not Good" and the person said, "Oh that's nice" and kept on walking. We were not being heard, our faint cries for help, went unnoticed, for years. The typical "your tough, your fine" mentality swept us and our struggles under the rug.
My list of Mental Space limiters include or have included:
Infertility- 7 years of an emotional rollercoaster, treatments, praying Hannah Prayer( In the book of Samuel), IVF, and loss of 9 babies.
Motherhood- 4 beautiful girls, 3 in the last 4 years, and that in its self takes up an amazing amount of brain space as it should, I feel completely blessed
Sleeplessness- Feeding babies in the middle of the night this lack of sleep leads to Anxiety and Fear.
Restlessness- Un-content with were I am, and wondering where else in the World I am meant to be.
Worry-My own health, my parents health, my brothers and other family members including my own children.
Depression- S.A.D- I hate winter...No...I LOATH winter! It makes me feel like a grizzly bear, who just wants to sleep, for the next 6 months. It has brought me to the edge of suicide a few times, rendered me feely helpless, alone and afraid of tomorrow.
Hurt- Both past and Recent. People being untruthful, and not being respected and treated as an adult. Friends who abandoned me, family who lied to me. I have been deeply hurt in the name of political correctness, and perhaps even out of revenge. I am not innocent of hurting others either...which again takes up mental space.
Loss- Loosing my mom to cancer, my friend DT and my sister in-law to 2 separate car accidents, my 9 babies who I never had the chance to meet, and my faith in churches, and people in general.
frustration- With myself and my inability to loose weight, family members, with the lack of support when we have really needed it. We have felt that only if our butts are sitting in a church bench every Sunday are we worth of support. Mental illness seems to have no place in our church, which limits its ability to support those who suffer from mental illness of any variety.
Housework- This is a huge stress-er for me, I love to have a clean house, and when it gets to the chaos level, where there are 100's of little bits of my daughters toys, and daily activities, it takes up brain space and the ability to maintain some control of my house takes up time, and energy.
I have many more to add to the list, but you get the point, I am suffering from burn out. As life has taken me on some pretty big rollercoasters, I have learned that service is more then what you do for your church. My first act of service is to take care of my relationship with my God, reading His word, praying and meditating. "The more you get to know this God who is love and who loves you completely, the more of His healing presence you can experience in your life and indeed the more love you will have to give out to others. You will be able to love God, yourself, and your neighbor in the ways God has designed. ~ Eli Suddarth.
I am a busy homeschooling mom, I am a loving wife, I am a daughter of the most high, and that makes me worth the effort to heal. I have the ability to forgive, because I have been forgiven for ALL my sin. I am suffering from burn out, its real and its going to take time to rebuild the strength it takes to lead worship, to be a leader in any capacity, its exhausting. However in my season of little ones, I must learn to not feel that I have to serve in my church to have fulfillment. Don't get me wrong I miss it terribly, but the path to being able to serve has taken me to the quarry, and little by little new stones for my foundation are being carved out. With out God's foundations in my life, I can not stand up to the Spiritual attack that will be headed my way. I have seen it, been under it, and while I serve my God, he being satan will always be on the attack.
"There’s nothing Satan wants more than to eat away your faith in Jesus. Satan wants nothing more than for you to forget who you are in Christ. Over and over, the Bible warns us not not play games with this devouring, roaring beast of a being. His rage we cannot endure if our strategy is just to disregard him". ~ Bryce Young (https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-one-little-word-will-fell-satan)
God is also on the offence, His son did the hard stuff already, we have the ability to stand when we can make the simple declaration that satan is a LIAR!! By saying this we put him in his place, he is the father of lies. Telling us, we are not good enough, not worthy, useless, and broken. When we can declare that to satan, he holds no weight in our lives. God has the victory. Burn out or not. " Come to me all who are burdened and I will give you Rest"- Matthew 11:28
I am Running to my God, my burnt out heart, mind and soul bared before Him.
He has the power over my life, He created my inmost being. I am dearly and deeply loved.
The purist of gold is refined by the fire, the most beautiful stones, must be polished first, before their beauty shines. I am in the midst of the refining, I am tired, beat up, weary, broken, and needing Spiritual rest and healing, that only He can bring.
Blessings
Deeds K. Aka :Mommy AK
Serving was a way for coping with the hardships in my life, and most of the time I truly enjoyed it, so it was a way of escaping. However that all began to change, Life started to bog me down, mental space started to be used up. At first, I just pushed through it, but then in my opinion satan went to work, to use up any little extra space remaining for service.
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| Steps to Service. |
My list of Mental Space limiters include or have included:
Infertility- 7 years of an emotional rollercoaster, treatments, praying Hannah Prayer( In the book of Samuel), IVF, and loss of 9 babies.
Motherhood- 4 beautiful girls, 3 in the last 4 years, and that in its self takes up an amazing amount of brain space as it should, I feel completely blessed
Sleeplessness- Feeding babies in the middle of the night this lack of sleep leads to Anxiety and Fear.
Restlessness- Un-content with were I am, and wondering where else in the World I am meant to be.
Worry-My own health, my parents health, my brothers and other family members including my own children.
Depression- S.A.D- I hate winter...No...I LOATH winter! It makes me feel like a grizzly bear, who just wants to sleep, for the next 6 months. It has brought me to the edge of suicide a few times, rendered me feely helpless, alone and afraid of tomorrow.
Hurt- Both past and Recent. People being untruthful, and not being respected and treated as an adult. Friends who abandoned me, family who lied to me. I have been deeply hurt in the name of political correctness, and perhaps even out of revenge. I am not innocent of hurting others either...which again takes up mental space.
Loss- Loosing my mom to cancer, my friend DT and my sister in-law to 2 separate car accidents, my 9 babies who I never had the chance to meet, and my faith in churches, and people in general.
frustration- With myself and my inability to loose weight, family members, with the lack of support when we have really needed it. We have felt that only if our butts are sitting in a church bench every Sunday are we worth of support. Mental illness seems to have no place in our church, which limits its ability to support those who suffer from mental illness of any variety.
Housework- This is a huge stress-er for me, I love to have a clean house, and when it gets to the chaos level, where there are 100's of little bits of my daughters toys, and daily activities, it takes up brain space and the ability to maintain some control of my house takes up time, and energy.
I have many more to add to the list, but you get the point, I am suffering from burn out. As life has taken me on some pretty big rollercoasters, I have learned that service is more then what you do for your church. My first act of service is to take care of my relationship with my God, reading His word, praying and meditating. "The more you get to know this God who is love and who loves you completely, the more of His healing presence you can experience in your life and indeed the more love you will have to give out to others. You will be able to love God, yourself, and your neighbor in the ways God has designed. ~ Eli Suddarth.
I am a busy homeschooling mom, I am a loving wife, I am a daughter of the most high, and that makes me worth the effort to heal. I have the ability to forgive, because I have been forgiven for ALL my sin. I am suffering from burn out, its real and its going to take time to rebuild the strength it takes to lead worship, to be a leader in any capacity, its exhausting. However in my season of little ones, I must learn to not feel that I have to serve in my church to have fulfillment. Don't get me wrong I miss it terribly, but the path to being able to serve has taken me to the quarry, and little by little new stones for my foundation are being carved out. With out God's foundations in my life, I can not stand up to the Spiritual attack that will be headed my way. I have seen it, been under it, and while I serve my God, he being satan will always be on the attack.
"There’s nothing Satan wants more than to eat away your faith in Jesus. Satan wants nothing more than for you to forget who you are in Christ. Over and over, the Bible warns us not not play games with this devouring, roaring beast of a being. His rage we cannot endure if our strategy is just to disregard him". ~ Bryce Young (https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-one-little-word-will-fell-satan)
God is also on the offence, His son did the hard stuff already, we have the ability to stand when we can make the simple declaration that satan is a LIAR!! By saying this we put him in his place, he is the father of lies. Telling us, we are not good enough, not worthy, useless, and broken. When we can declare that to satan, he holds no weight in our lives. God has the victory. Burn out or not. " Come to me all who are burdened and I will give you Rest"- Matthew 11:28
I am Running to my God, my burnt out heart, mind and soul bared before Him.
He has the power over my life, He created my inmost being. I am dearly and deeply loved.
The purist of gold is refined by the fire, the most beautiful stones, must be polished first, before their beauty shines. I am in the midst of the refining, I am tired, beat up, weary, broken, and needing Spiritual rest and healing, that only He can bring.
Blessings
Deeds K. Aka :Mommy AK
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