The Better Part Of Me
I peeled back another layer of my self identity this past week. Like an Onion, there are so many complex layers to my life. Layers of joy, love and happy memories mixed with layers of anger, and anguish and grief. For years I have focused on the negative. What if for once in my life, I focused on the good, the joy, the triumphs? Would my internal dialogue change? Would that woman who has gained a lot of weight I see in the mirror stop loathing herself? Would the pain I feel inside stop for once? Would I find the better part of me? Would the fear of failure fade, to turn to great achievements? What if I finally believed in me instead of waiting for others to believe in me?
I could write a whole book of questions for me, myself and I.
Our culture today is spreading the lie of happiness is found in our very own and only in our self identity, but the truth is, happiness is not found in ourselves. Let's face it we are our own cheerleader, but also our own worst enemy. Happiness is merely a perception of one given moment. Hear me out on this; When my sister in law(best friend) was killed in an accident. We were at the church the night before the funeral. I had cried so much, there was no tears left to cry, a few of us siblings were laughing about memories, and someone caught our moment of laughing, and they immediately concluded that I was unsensitive. There was no way that I was happy at that moment, but I still had the ability to laugh. Someone else's perception of my happiness, was just that, a perception; it was not founded in the truth of the real and raw emotions.
A famous person that comes to mind is Robin Williams, one of the most "happiest" actors, I have ever had the pleasure to watch on screen and in interviews, was really so very unhappy with life, that he took his own. Sadly, I know this kind of loss personally in the death of my cousin 4 years ago when he took his own life as well. Happiness on the outside is not always a reflection of what is going on internally and privately. We can only loosely define what happiness is within our limited knowledge or perception. Happiness isn't just defined by outward appearances and ability to laugh, smile or dance around.
"Happiness, in the context of mental or emotional states, is positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. Other forms include life satisfaction, well-being, subjective well-being, flourishing and eudaimonia".
WikipediaSo often we are clamoring up the ladder of life, trying to keep up with Jones'. However, we fail to notice that living like that we never find satisfaction. We will never be "happy". There will always be the next gadget or gizmo we "need" to "be content". So were do we find this "better part of us"? Where I can find contentment, happiness, satisfaction? It's a question I have been asking for years. The answer has always been right in front of me, surrounding me, chasing me down, Knocking at my door. Happiness is found in seeking Him. The road to seeking God is individualized. Which is something I love about my Lord and Savior. There is no one set path to contentment, satisfaction and happiness on this broken sin filled world. There is one way to eternity, it's through Him and only Him. As a Christian my life, has been anything but easy. I heard a quote the other day that I want to paraphrase. "If your life is one of promise, truth, and devotion to God, Satan will attack you, when you are young". This is so entirely true for me, some of my most traumatic events where when I was a child. They broke me, took my trust in people away. Trust and happiness seem to be and go hand in hand, right?
It is hard to trust God with your happiness, with life, when trust has been broken by those who used you as a weapon, those that used your innocence for their sick twisted mind's satisfaction. It is hard to trust the church to be your soft place to fall, when they tell you cannot to be involved in a program you whole heartedly believed in, simply because of different opinions and relationship struggles. I have watch a church tear my family a part "for the best". I didn't want to go down this path for this blog post but I am. I so desperately want to be happy. I don't feel like I am allowed to be happy. How do you be happy when you can't trust anyone, because my heart has been beaten up so badly? Beaten up by those I love, and loved. I read the picture quote, and I want to tell the world these words, but my heart struggles to hear those words, to feel those words, to believe those words. I don't feel loved. I feel used.
I so often feel like a doormat, pretending that its ok, if you wipe your dirt on me, I can just shake it off later. Truth is, I will never get all the dirt off, from everyone else's boots. I laid down, so people could walk on me. When someone really hurt me, I said nothing, pretended like I was to stupid to see it. Mean while my soul was absolutely dying inside. I can't shake the feeling of walking into a room after they were gossiping about me, and playing dumb, that didn't notice or I didn't hear. My vibe intuition has never been wrong. Some times I wish it was, so then maybe I wouldn't hurt so much. I will never forget how I felt the day of an event that I had been completely rejected from. One person stopped, she heard my heart that day, when she saw my tears, she hugged me and said "I am sorry, that you feel rejected". When I told her I wasn't going to go to the event, she looked me in the eye's and said, "I can't tell you what to do, but there will be consequences if you don't go." She was right. I went, and my heart and mind, and my heart and mind alone paid dearly for going. But there was a lesson in all of this, because I looked across the room and saw someone that I had deeply hurt in the same way I was hurting. It was then, that I understood what my mom had meant, when she said. "Treat others like God see's you". It was like a brick being thrown at my head. I got it. I was faced once again with the pain from rejection from those you love. Do I ever know what rejection feels like! It is terrifying and honestly it is fear of rejection that is holding me back from living my life in happiness. I have everything I need to be happy. Why am I NOT happy?
I know why.
I placed my value in the thoughts, vibes and opinions of others. I place my value in my talents, in my successes and my failures, and rejections were beyond devastating. The losses in my life are to great to feel happy. I placed my value on Satan's lies, that I will never be good enough because of...etc. etc. etc. I forgot Who I am.
I am a child of God, I am a Daughter of the one true King. I belong to no one but Him. I am not a possession of this world to be used by the things of this world. I am a possession, a prized jewel, lost lamb returning and found in the arms of Jesus. Until I get that through my thick stubborn skull, I will never find happiness on this broken earth. I will never find happiness in my worldly successes, yes they feel good, but they are fleeting and sin is so real. I will find joy even in the sorrows, not because I am insensitive, but because He walks with me, wipes my tears, and gives me hope. Happiness is living in hope even amongst the chaos of life, happiness is knowing that even on my worst days, God still loves me. I am learning ever so slowly. Psalm 37:4
Blessings,
Deeds.
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