Teach me to Abide.

 There are times in our lives that seem and feel like a hurricane, like everything is out of control and you are desperately clinging to the hope that God is just going to calm the storm; However, he doesn't. Your heart turns to stone, when you don't understand why.  My mother died 13 years ago, and I watched my faithful, abiding mother, who Loved Jesus so much, I watched my best friend, fade into nothing, crying out in agony to her God to heal her.  He did; but when she walked into Heaven.

I was so at peace that she was home, no more cancer, no more pain, not more tears. Yet I was so broken, so lost, so shattered.  I withdrew from all the things I loved. I hid inside my heart, I hid my talents, I hid my emotions, and cried only in the shower, or when I  could not contain it inside anymore, and I would dump it all on my poor hubby who had to try to hold me up. After she died it felt  like everything and everyone around me was just to much to handle. Motherhood, took everything I had, and there was nothing left for God, family, or friends. My life felt like a constant battle me against thee world, a never ending, draining, destructive battle.  I had pulled away from it all, but God did not pull away from me. This whisper never faded, never left me.  

That takes me to a year ago.  That whisper, became a loud rumble in my heart. God took my hand and said come with me.  "I have a place for you, I have a plan for you, I have something in store for you. Girl, you must trust me, you must abide in me.  I will restore, I will heal, I will reconcile, I will give you hope, I love you."  This past year I have battled with my grudges, with my wounds, my mask, my fears, my past.  I can't explain just how tired I am from trudging through that into the light.  The battle isn't over, I know it's not because I feel that I am under attack, because I declare Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  I will be the first to tell you I don't have my "Shit" together.  But I will be the first to tell you If you are struggling, I know someone who will be your all, your treasure. When you know that NOTHING can take you away from Him.  The struggles are still hard, the battles are brutal, and pain is still there, but you are not alone. No other religion or spiritual being has someone died for  and in the place of others, there was only one man that did that. His name is Jesus. My Lord.  

I am still learning to abide, to listen, to be still and know that He is God. To put my whole trust into Him. Abide | Aaron Williams - Live at The Worship Initiative - YouTube  You see I have been betrayed, by those I love. I have been so deeply hurt by people that call themselves Christians. I don't trust very easy, its a major stretch for me. To walk back into church is to walk into and face some of my biggest fears. Rejection.  Here is the thing. I hear my mother's words in my head again. She said this 3 days before she passed away. 

 Me: "Mom how do I forgive someone who I loath?

Mom: "Deeds, how does God see you?" 

Me: "Forgiven, a daughter of the king, wanted, loved, chosen. 

Mom: "How does God see that person you hate?"  

Me: "Forgiven, chosen, loved". 

Mom: "When we love as God does, the parts of that person that hurt us, become worthless, because they too were sinful, but they are forgiven. That doesn't mean you have to forget, but don't carry the hate. You cannot declare Jesus your King and hate someone God has called you to love. " 

Me: Silence... 

This past year I have dug down into the deepest hidden places of my heart, and took the biggest flashlight I could find, which is the LOVE of JESUS, and started opening up my compartments of my heart, one by one, and bring Love ( God is love) into that space, and changing it from being a place of pain into a place of healing.  I am not done yet, but in the mean time as I continue to heal. I have found a church, where I can be me, my kids feel loved. I faced my fear and tried out for a praise team again. I get the opportunity to praise my God from a stage in leading other to Praise my Lord. It's been about 14 years. My heart is transforming, the walls are coming down. I can't take the credit either.  I see so many people struggling through life right now, and I want you to know I am praying, but more importantly I want you to know Jesus has you in his hands, open your heart to him. He is knocking.