We All Want Authentic Relationships
This past week, I had 4 ill children, and my hubby and I were also ill, and it was an extremely long week. I hope I don't have to see a bug like that again in our house for a very long time, it was horrible. In that time I found my self diving into searching for Bible study books for my local church's mom's group, and what I found was So many topics are related to wanting authentic and real relationships, with our friends, our husbands, and our churches, and most important, with our God. We are all looking for something to make our hearts feel like we belong.
As mom's we so often loose who we are for a period of time in the "little" years, between changing diapers and keeping children fed, clothed, educated, socialized, and maintaining our relationships with our husbands, keeping up with the latest Instagram and looking our best, we are burning out, and that does not included our friendships, and relationships with our families.
With the recent death of my sister in law who I had an authentic, and close relationship with brought to the light something I was desperate for was more meaningful and authentic relationships with trust, and no back stabbing. When it comes to be authentic, I thought I was living an authentic enough life. I am always wearing my heart on my sleeve and always getting burned, so much so that I stopped doing things I loved, singing solo's, leading groups and being at the front and centre, because I thought being authentic is costing me to much. When my second daughter was born, I found myself in a very dark place of postpartum depression. I felt so alone, so unjustified and crazy, I felt like no one believed me, so I didn't get the help I was so desperate for, friends didn't know I was struggling I took the avoidance from those I loved from me as a direct hit to my heart. I felt so overwhelmed and so lost, I shut down, became bitter at those I love, to this day I still am...( I am working on this) I have not even told many, and some will read this and may not have had a clue how bad I was actually feeling.
I remember one day I was driving to get groceries, my newest baby girl wrapped in her pink blanket, SCREAMING her head off in the back of the car, and her big sister sitting beside her with her fingers in her ears. At that moment I was face to face with a Semi truck in the other lane...I looked at my hands on the steering wheel, and knowing full well, all i had to do was turn the wheel meer centimetres and I would end my life, and probably the lives of my children, and for a brief second, I was ok with that....WHAT!? I remember shaking my head, and pulling over and just crying, sobbing into my hands. I was wondering where on earth, the thought came from that it would be ok, to end my life, and put my kids in danger of loosing theirs. I had everything I wanted from life, a husband, kids, a house, a family. Over time I lost grasp of who I was, the birth of my second daughter, brought me to my knee's what should be the happiest time of my life, had become the saddest time. I longed so much for a real authentic relationship at that time, one like I had with my mom before cancer took her away. I was grieving, that deep feeling of belonging was missing. I was desperate to be heard as I was, and Not be judged, for feeling so Sad in my time of great joy. I had given up. I only did the basics, I couldn't handle more, Church hurt to much, authentic relationships were a joke, and a source of bitterness, I felt like I didn't have any, I was blinded by my hurt. People I thought I knew deep inside and trusted, were lying to me and turned their backs on me when I was being who I was.
I couldn't understand how no one could see how bad it was, I was silently screaming in my head, because I had to keep it all together for the kids, and after all I am a dutch girl, strong like Bull. I had to wear the mask, that I so desperately wanted to take off I needed to be held and told it was going to be ok, that my feelings, emotions would pass, and I was not alone. However, for the most part I didn't feel that at all. I wanted just One person, just one person to be authentic to me, to wrap in a bear hug. I was so bitter about it, I stopped calling and texting my loved ones, I wanted to see how long it would take for someone to acknowledge me, and make an effort. I wanted to be known my my name not just mommy. It was 34 days. For those 34 days, I cried every day, my poor hubby thought I was going mad, I was. I was testing something no one knew anything about, because I couldn't get the words out, the my heart was screaming. I was drowning, I was dying inside. My own Authenticity became something that I had trouble sharing. I became with drawn and question everything about myself. Do I talk to much? Am I to bossy?, am I not good enough?, am I crazy? I became afraid of being Authentic. I was devastated, by the choices of others to not include me, I was increasingly loosing hope that I would ever find authentic relationships. Truth is, I had to go out and find them.
I read a quote that said: "Authentic relationships takes Trust". I struggle with trust, because I have had my heart broken, by those I trusted. It is hard to trust, even my hubby. It became increasingly hard to Trust my God, I felt abandoned, by Him.
Do I trust people enough to take care of my Authenticity? I wear my heart out, only if I trust them now, but who do I trust, and what are the reasons that I should trust them? We all long for those relationships were we can take off the mask, and just be. No make up, no cover ups, and no judgement, no back stabs, no criticism. I know that in the most recent years since my 2nd, 3rd and recently my 4th were born, my relationship choices are a lot more precise, and it is really hard for me to lay it all out in relationships. I still fear rejection, and judgment, gossip. The bitterness of past experiences still exists. By God's grace, I am facing this, and realizing that the Bitterness is something I don't need to carry, it is something that I can let go of. I need to give others Grace as well. My self absorbed moments, are not for God, or for me, but rather for Satan. Satan tries to stand in the way of Authentic relationships, because when you can be authentic and receive it in return, satan has no grounds to stand on. "Where 2 or more of you is gathered in my name, I will be there also Mattew 18 :20
As christians we are asked to be ourselves, "Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God is toward you" Matthew 5:48( the Message) I think what this verse is getting at is our Identity is in our Authenticity with Christ. When we can be authentic with our selves and our relationship with our God and King, and have no shame in who we are, we can be authentic with others, and live just as the verse says. I still long for the Authentic relationships, and to be honest I am just starting to find them, Its a two way street, no more waiting for someone call, text or come over, but it still is the back of my mind. I don't like talking on the phone, I never have, its always been hard to communicate via phone, I miss the days of tea, and sitting on the couch with my brothers chatting till all hours of the night. I have lost touch for a time, about what Authentic relationships are, and perhaps that is the journey I am now on, to find those back, to live a little more authentically, living generously and graciously towards others. I am thankful to a wonderful group of ladies at our mom's group, they have no idea just how they have pushed my heart to grow, trust, and desire, deep and authentic relationships, that are maintainable, and trusting, and supportive in all the seasons of life.
Blessings
Momma AK
As mom's we so often loose who we are for a period of time in the "little" years, between changing diapers and keeping children fed, clothed, educated, socialized, and maintaining our relationships with our husbands, keeping up with the latest Instagram and looking our best, we are burning out, and that does not included our friendships, and relationships with our families.
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| Me and Baby #2 |
I remember one day I was driving to get groceries, my newest baby girl wrapped in her pink blanket, SCREAMING her head off in the back of the car, and her big sister sitting beside her with her fingers in her ears. At that moment I was face to face with a Semi truck in the other lane...I looked at my hands on the steering wheel, and knowing full well, all i had to do was turn the wheel meer centimetres and I would end my life, and probably the lives of my children, and for a brief second, I was ok with that....WHAT!? I remember shaking my head, and pulling over and just crying, sobbing into my hands. I was wondering where on earth, the thought came from that it would be ok, to end my life, and put my kids in danger of loosing theirs. I had everything I wanted from life, a husband, kids, a house, a family. Over time I lost grasp of who I was, the birth of my second daughter, brought me to my knee's what should be the happiest time of my life, had become the saddest time. I longed so much for a real authentic relationship at that time, one like I had with my mom before cancer took her away. I was grieving, that deep feeling of belonging was missing. I was desperate to be heard as I was, and Not be judged, for feeling so Sad in my time of great joy. I had given up. I only did the basics, I couldn't handle more, Church hurt to much, authentic relationships were a joke, and a source of bitterness, I felt like I didn't have any, I was blinded by my hurt. People I thought I knew deep inside and trusted, were lying to me and turned their backs on me when I was being who I was.
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| Be real, Be you, You are loved and always needed. |
I read a quote that said: "Authentic relationships takes Trust". I struggle with trust, because I have had my heart broken, by those I trusted. It is hard to trust, even my hubby. It became increasingly hard to Trust my God, I felt abandoned, by Him.
Do I trust people enough to take care of my Authenticity? I wear my heart out, only if I trust them now, but who do I trust, and what are the reasons that I should trust them? We all long for those relationships were we can take off the mask, and just be. No make up, no cover ups, and no judgement, no back stabs, no criticism. I know that in the most recent years since my 2nd, 3rd and recently my 4th were born, my relationship choices are a lot more precise, and it is really hard for me to lay it all out in relationships. I still fear rejection, and judgment, gossip. The bitterness of past experiences still exists. By God's grace, I am facing this, and realizing that the Bitterness is something I don't need to carry, it is something that I can let go of. I need to give others Grace as well. My self absorbed moments, are not for God, or for me, but rather for Satan. Satan tries to stand in the way of Authentic relationships, because when you can be authentic and receive it in return, satan has no grounds to stand on. "Where 2 or more of you is gathered in my name, I will be there also Mattew 18 :20
As christians we are asked to be ourselves, "Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God is toward you" Matthew 5:48( the Message) I think what this verse is getting at is our Identity is in our Authenticity with Christ. When we can be authentic with our selves and our relationship with our God and King, and have no shame in who we are, we can be authentic with others, and live just as the verse says. I still long for the Authentic relationships, and to be honest I am just starting to find them, Its a two way street, no more waiting for someone call, text or come over, but it still is the back of my mind. I don't like talking on the phone, I never have, its always been hard to communicate via phone, I miss the days of tea, and sitting on the couch with my brothers chatting till all hours of the night. I have lost touch for a time, about what Authentic relationships are, and perhaps that is the journey I am now on, to find those back, to live a little more authentically, living generously and graciously towards others. I am thankful to a wonderful group of ladies at our mom's group, they have no idea just how they have pushed my heart to grow, trust, and desire, deep and authentic relationships, that are maintainable, and trusting, and supportive in all the seasons of life.
Blessings
Momma AK
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