Time to Reflect.
I have not been blogging to much, I have had some things on my mind that I needed to process before the creative juices can start once again.
We just returned from a wonderful family trip to Mexico. It was a great trip, some parts I could have done without and parts that really made my heart leap for Joy. We returned to a resort that we had been to 6 years prior, with Katie and the rest of the family. As we laid our towels down in the exact same spot that we had been 6 years before, my heart ached with a twinge of pain of sorrow. Oh how could my heart could miss someone so much, miss the conversations we had sitting there in that spot together, while watching Lady Tor Tor in her glory in the sun and pool 6 years ago. Katie was so excited to be going to Mexico again when we made plans to go as a family. This time, I really tried to slow myself down.
Since getting home I started to read a book called Present over Perfect for a book club, and something really struck me. Its about being present in my own life, and being who I am intended to be, not the living the frantic unreal self, but me. The journey in learning to live life deeply with my God. What struck me in the first few pages was the realization, I am not who I used to be.
This trip to Mexico, really showed me more of just who I have become. I am a momma bear, I will fiercely protect my children. I will not put up with crude or disgusting things being said about my children, regardless of context. I think beyond myself, or rather think on behalf of my children. I also realize that I am genuinely sorry for the hurt that I have caused others. Loosing two women of great faith around me, has profoundly changed me. My ability to say no, to a negative extent, has become my norm as a way of surviving. I have done things in my life that I banked on getting back to doing once my children arrived, however, the realization that life is profoundly different and the needs of my children right now were beyond what I had expected as a mommy. I also took on the calling of Homeschooling, and it is exhausting, and yet so rewarding. Its a Juxtaposition of emotions happening in my heart.
These past few weeks my husband and I have been searching out possibilities of a dramatic lifestyle change, I have learned a lot about other places, including laws, and opportunities, costs of living, and safety for my children and myself. We love to travel to new places, and we LOVE warm places, we love how in the sun we come back to life, if you will. Winter brings on Grizzly Bear sized Grumpies and the need for sunshine is more then just feeling good, but also how the warm climate affects my husbands joints. As of late his Arthritis in his knee's, hips and ankles, hands, elbows, makes winter so flippen painful, it hurts to look at him hobbling around, wincing in pain, while he sits and watches TV. Is a move in our future? Right now the Jury is still out, but this trip made us realize that we have to make choices that are best suited for us, and not always for others around us. We have but one life on this planet, and if it means that by living in Canada we have to physically and mentally suffer during the winter months is it worth it?? Is it worth, feeling helpless to control the winter blues? I hate that in the winter months I become someone I don't like. Its hard to function, I snap at my kids, husband, my daily life and maintaining my house, sanity and marriage, and motherhood is enough. It is extremely hard to walk outside my door, because my ability to think beyond the basic necessities of life is so difficult. This is what Depression is to me. It is a barrier, and when I am face to face with sunshine, I am able to think clearer, I am able to do more, I am able to handle my kids, husband and the stresses of life easier. It is like a lightbulb in my brain turns on. That to me makes sunshine worth more then gold.
Over the past number of years we have dealt with in incredible amount of stress, and losses, and heart aches, and tremendous joys as well. However, my heart is searching for more. There is a line from a song I love to play and sing, "There must be more then this, Oh God come breathe within". I am searching deeper then I have ever dug before. I must let the Girl I used to be go. She does not exist. She was a girl who did what she needed to do at the time, I loved adventure, speaking my mind, and I made some pretty stupid mistakes, but also learned from them as well. Had some pretty amazing experiences, and made some incredible memories. Today, and Everyday I am given Grace, and I am surrounded by His forgiveness, when I repent of my wrongs.
I can use those life experiences to remind me that I need those memories, like badges on my heart, but the mistakes don't define me, I am not bound by the past, I am only bound to my faith, through the Blood of Christ shed for me on that Heavy blood stained cross, by choosing to believe. All else is built on that faith.
With out even realizing it my roots, foundations, are being restored, built new, stronger, Bigger Ready to carry the load of life that is yet to come. The Flimsy little house I built on top of my rickety foundations( those foundations, being myself worth with out God, broken relationships, food, and what others think of me). What if I ripped all that away, and started new? Yeah, thats right, all new. I hit that point over my vacation. As the trade winds brushed my hair, and the sun soaked into my tired bones, I came to the realization, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I mean that in every way possible. What if it is possible to live a different kind of life, one of renewal, contentment, and being Happy with who I am, with Christ as my centre?
I have been a Christian for a long time, and my faith has always been strong, but I put my faith in things that I could see more then the God I often couldn't see. Like my mom. She became a god of sorts to me, I looked to her for constant guidance, and reassurance that I was enough, when I upset her, my guilt festered. When I made mistakes, I was afraid of her responses. I put her up on a pedestal, and I worshiped her more then my God. It sounds strange I know, but she felt that she couldn't live up to my expectations, because she herself was human, and was making mistakes just like I was. I put to much weight on something that would not last forever on this planet. My mom, died, and so did a huge part of me. At the time just before Kate died I was trying to build up my walls, with hurt, anger, frustration, my depression, and wanted to hide and she passed away and all those walls I was building came crashing back down. Here is the thing..."I" was trying to build them back up...There is a huge part of the right kind of supplies that I was missing. God. I need God. My foundations can not be made up of crumbling and failing building supplies. I need Concrete and rebar, and those are God( the Trinity in its whole), and the Bible. I am reminded of the song, The wise man built his house upon the rock. and the foolish man on the sand. I thought for a long time I had it all together. My arrogance showed, and my attitude towards others, was judgemental and unkind. I was building my house, on sand. I had my facts, I know that God is real, but I was having success in life with him at a distance, or at least I thought I was. If I have learned anything about everything is that I know NOTHING. Do you know how freeing that is to say? I know nothing and for the first time in my life, I am ok with that. I don't need to know everything, because I can build my foundations on something new, stronger, without judgement because I am a new creation. The opinion of others about me does not matter....I know I will struggle with this, but I need to work on taking my mom's advice to a new level. "If we see others as God see's us, just how different would we feel about them". Now take that and replace it with the word me. If I see me, the way that God see's me just how different would I feel about myself. I know that If I can dive into who I am in Christ, I would see a different person when I look in the mirror, I might look at food differently( another god in my life) I might look at my life so differently. Able to leave the wore out and tired Alida( Deeds) in her bed at night, and wake up with renewed joy in every moment of life.
I don't ever want to think the same as I have in the past. I don't want to blame others for not being there when I needed them, but rather to look to the cross and the Word of God. God will provide the people I need in the moments I need them, because I truly believe that all things work for His good.
Its time for a new Deeds to come out of her shell, to show God( Abba Father) that I choose Him to be my source of life, He is my strength, and he is my place of Holy Rest. It is different then sleeping, but true Wholly rest, Soul rejuvenation. I have had years of refining, and the refining is likely to continue, but my self reflection over the past number of weeks, made me realize that I needed to take the time to Reflect. I was loosing more and more of myself, to doubt, self pity, blame, anger and hate. I will still have my struggles we all do. But I need to look on myself with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control to look in the mirror and see Christ in me, because He loves me. How glorious that is!!
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| Reflection spot! |
Since getting home I started to read a book called Present over Perfect for a book club, and something really struck me. Its about being present in my own life, and being who I am intended to be, not the living the frantic unreal self, but me. The journey in learning to live life deeply with my God. What struck me in the first few pages was the realization, I am not who I used to be.
This trip to Mexico, really showed me more of just who I have become. I am a momma bear, I will fiercely protect my children. I will not put up with crude or disgusting things being said about my children, regardless of context. I think beyond myself, or rather think on behalf of my children. I also realize that I am genuinely sorry for the hurt that I have caused others. Loosing two women of great faith around me, has profoundly changed me. My ability to say no, to a negative extent, has become my norm as a way of surviving. I have done things in my life that I banked on getting back to doing once my children arrived, however, the realization that life is profoundly different and the needs of my children right now were beyond what I had expected as a mommy. I also took on the calling of Homeschooling, and it is exhausting, and yet so rewarding. Its a Juxtaposition of emotions happening in my heart.
These past few weeks my husband and I have been searching out possibilities of a dramatic lifestyle change, I have learned a lot about other places, including laws, and opportunities, costs of living, and safety for my children and myself. We love to travel to new places, and we LOVE warm places, we love how in the sun we come back to life, if you will. Winter brings on Grizzly Bear sized Grumpies and the need for sunshine is more then just feeling good, but also how the warm climate affects my husbands joints. As of late his Arthritis in his knee's, hips and ankles, hands, elbows, makes winter so flippen painful, it hurts to look at him hobbling around, wincing in pain, while he sits and watches TV. Is a move in our future? Right now the Jury is still out, but this trip made us realize that we have to make choices that are best suited for us, and not always for others around us. We have but one life on this planet, and if it means that by living in Canada we have to physically and mentally suffer during the winter months is it worth it?? Is it worth, feeling helpless to control the winter blues? I hate that in the winter months I become someone I don't like. Its hard to function, I snap at my kids, husband, my daily life and maintaining my house, sanity and marriage, and motherhood is enough. It is extremely hard to walk outside my door, because my ability to think beyond the basic necessities of life is so difficult. This is what Depression is to me. It is a barrier, and when I am face to face with sunshine, I am able to think clearer, I am able to do more, I am able to handle my kids, husband and the stresses of life easier. It is like a lightbulb in my brain turns on. That to me makes sunshine worth more then gold.
Over the past number of years we have dealt with in incredible amount of stress, and losses, and heart aches, and tremendous joys as well. However, my heart is searching for more. There is a line from a song I love to play and sing, "There must be more then this, Oh God come breathe within". I am searching deeper then I have ever dug before. I must let the Girl I used to be go. She does not exist. She was a girl who did what she needed to do at the time, I loved adventure, speaking my mind, and I made some pretty stupid mistakes, but also learned from them as well. Had some pretty amazing experiences, and made some incredible memories. Today, and Everyday I am given Grace, and I am surrounded by His forgiveness, when I repent of my wrongs.
I can use those life experiences to remind me that I need those memories, like badges on my heart, but the mistakes don't define me, I am not bound by the past, I am only bound to my faith, through the Blood of Christ shed for me on that Heavy blood stained cross, by choosing to believe. All else is built on that faith.
With out even realizing it my roots, foundations, are being restored, built new, stronger, Bigger Ready to carry the load of life that is yet to come. The Flimsy little house I built on top of my rickety foundations( those foundations, being myself worth with out God, broken relationships, food, and what others think of me). What if I ripped all that away, and started new? Yeah, thats right, all new. I hit that point over my vacation. As the trade winds brushed my hair, and the sun soaked into my tired bones, I came to the realization, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I mean that in every way possible. What if it is possible to live a different kind of life, one of renewal, contentment, and being Happy with who I am, with Christ as my centre?
I have been a Christian for a long time, and my faith has always been strong, but I put my faith in things that I could see more then the God I often couldn't see. Like my mom. She became a god of sorts to me, I looked to her for constant guidance, and reassurance that I was enough, when I upset her, my guilt festered. When I made mistakes, I was afraid of her responses. I put her up on a pedestal, and I worshiped her more then my God. It sounds strange I know, but she felt that she couldn't live up to my expectations, because she herself was human, and was making mistakes just like I was. I put to much weight on something that would not last forever on this planet. My mom, died, and so did a huge part of me. At the time just before Kate died I was trying to build up my walls, with hurt, anger, frustration, my depression, and wanted to hide and she passed away and all those walls I was building came crashing back down. Here is the thing..."I" was trying to build them back up...There is a huge part of the right kind of supplies that I was missing. God. I need God. My foundations can not be made up of crumbling and failing building supplies. I need Concrete and rebar, and those are God( the Trinity in its whole), and the Bible. I am reminded of the song, The wise man built his house upon the rock. and the foolish man on the sand. I thought for a long time I had it all together. My arrogance showed, and my attitude towards others, was judgemental and unkind. I was building my house, on sand. I had my facts, I know that God is real, but I was having success in life with him at a distance, or at least I thought I was. If I have learned anything about everything is that I know NOTHING. Do you know how freeing that is to say? I know nothing and for the first time in my life, I am ok with that. I don't need to know everything, because I can build my foundations on something new, stronger, without judgement because I am a new creation. The opinion of others about me does not matter....I know I will struggle with this, but I need to work on taking my mom's advice to a new level. "If we see others as God see's us, just how different would we feel about them". Now take that and replace it with the word me. If I see me, the way that God see's me just how different would I feel about myself. I know that If I can dive into who I am in Christ, I would see a different person when I look in the mirror, I might look at food differently( another god in my life) I might look at my life so differently. Able to leave the wore out and tired Alida( Deeds) in her bed at night, and wake up with renewed joy in every moment of life.
I don't ever want to think the same as I have in the past. I don't want to blame others for not being there when I needed them, but rather to look to the cross and the Word of God. God will provide the people I need in the moments I need them, because I truly believe that all things work for His good.
Its time for a new Deeds to come out of her shell, to show God( Abba Father) that I choose Him to be my source of life, He is my strength, and he is my place of Holy Rest. It is different then sleeping, but true Wholly rest, Soul rejuvenation. I have had years of refining, and the refining is likely to continue, but my self reflection over the past number of weeks, made me realize that I needed to take the time to Reflect. I was loosing more and more of myself, to doubt, self pity, blame, anger and hate. I will still have my struggles we all do. But I need to look on myself with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control to look in the mirror and see Christ in me, because He loves me. How glorious that is!!
Alixa, it's great you've taken time to reflect, assess and brainstorm. We serve a faithful God who loves us more than we can comprehend. May I in love remind you go not judge your insides to Mother person's outside, and to trust and obey. It's okay if life isn't easy; if seldom is.
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