My battle with Depression

There is a difference between being sad ( depressed) and having depression.  You can be sad, due to the circumstances in life, and that is completely normal.  However, the difference between the two is usually the length and the over all symptoms.  This is a blog that describes my own journey and information about depression. 

"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment." ~Mayo Clinic

 Here are some signs and Symptoms of depression.

• Trouble concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

These are not limited to a length of time, nor will circumstance change these symptoms good or bad necessarily.  Depression is not a choice, this is medical condition, much like diabetes it usually is a life long illness, that can be treated or aided to help you live a life with less fluctuations, but rarely is it "cured".  

Depression is a mental illness that can rob you of feeling human, feeling loved, feeling worthwhile, you can very easily wind up in a place mentally that you never thought you could get, and you got there with out even realizing it.  Some of the most clinically depressed people have it all.  Have the house, the kids, the wonderful spouse, supportive family and yet there are still depressed( The real deal).   One of the worst things ever said to me when it came to my own battle with depression, was "just get over it".  Do you know What I would pay to just get over it?  This has been something that I have dealt with since I was 13 years old.

The worst part of all is the Word MENTAL ILLNESS that depression is labeled under....the stigma that goes with those 2 words, I don't want pity.  I want to feel normal, I want to be free from the weight of Depression. True depressions is way more then just emotions of stress, and loss.  Although these factors certainly have an effect on the over all being with depression,  Clinical Depression is different.  Often with depression comes anxiety disorders as well, leading to fears, and worries that seem HUGE and overwhelming, and they are to the person dealing with depression.  

I am not Mental....Nor am I really Sick, but the words mental illness, is what is used to describe depression its what I deal with on a daily, moment to to moment basis, for the last 23 years.  Depression is an illness of the mind,  it can eat you up, from the inside out.  The problem with depression is sometimes its happening and you don't even realize it is.  Circumstances pile up, and life happens, as it does, but with depression, mole hills feel like mountains. 

As a person with depression I know when I need help most of the time, but you don't  always know where to go, and if you reach out for help you are scared of the stigma that someone might have against you, or the season of life just has your head spinning that trying to find the time for yourself is nearly impossible. 

  I don't really know what it is like to not be depressed.  I have had my happier years for sure, but I remember my dad, in the thick of a really bad season of his depression, coming home from work, and sitting on the couch staring out at the world for hours on hours.  I desperately wanted his attention, I tried talking to him, he told me to go away. I tried to hug him, he pushed me off, I tried to draw him pictures, he left them on the couch beside him.  Depression had taken hold and the spiral began, it was incredibly difficult to get out of that kind of state of mind.   I can only say from my point of view, I don't know what was going on in his mind, but what I do know, is that vital support structures that should have been there, more then  seeing a counsellor, but family friends, church, and even family,  failed us as a family unit. When in a deep state of depression it is very hard to except help, because you don't feel your worth the help, He had a very hard time asking for help and when he did it was met with more expectations rather then support. Over time our Family unit was ripped apart.   The hard part about depression is that so many of us, never do reach out, and or have reached out and were burned in the process. 

I am rapidly learning, in my battles against depression, that I CANNOT do this ALONE.  Yet I feel so completely alone it makes me feel sick( thats the depression speaking). I have every symptom on the list above, yet people still think I am some how faking it, and that's their choice to believe me or not, but either way, I have to continue to live with it, on a daily basis.   I know that I can be a dramatic person, if I feel I need to be, but in most recent weeks, that dramatic person, has turned dramatically inward.  I have begun to internal my hurts, habits and hang ups and trust me, its not a good thing.  Things that have bothered me for a long time are just laying under the surface ready to implode, like a ticking time bomb and I have built a wall to keep it all in so the explosion is on the inside, I feel like I will implode and things that should really bother me in the immediate moment,  really do, but not in a way that people see.   My bodies response is a physical response, my blood pressure is the highest it has ever been,  I have heart palpitations, and anxiety attacks daily.  My doctor and I are in pretty regular contact. 

 I could just yell and scream at the top of my lungs till I loose my voice, I could fall to my knees and cry for hours and hours, but I just can't.  I can barely express anything on the outside.  I can feel the negative effects of this coping mechanism. 

 Its hard to know who to, or how to talk about a lot of the things that weigh down my heart.  Its been a while since I saw a counsellor and its high time I get back to it.  I am certainly not ashamed  to say that I need one. But rather its hard to fit that time in just for me and not feel guilty( yep thats the depression again).  But God has not left me, but rather placed it on our hearts in light of this years events, and loss, that we need him More then Ever. 

We are in a year of refining,  we are thick in the process of being fired, heated up, to the right temperature so that we are able to be moulded, shaped into God's perfectly crafted masterpiece. Our strength as a married couple, our faith in our God, is being tested.  This year has brought to light our unhappiness in life currently, and how WE HAVE TO CHANGE IT. Our hearts are bound to building our faith, strengthening our marriage and loving and protecting our children, to creating a future for them, that will teach them the value of life,  and focus less on the "almighty dollar", and "stuff".  We want them to see passionate and Happy parents.   It's been a very difficult year,  and we have had to do a lot of soul searching.  Which in a way is a good thing, because it helps to point us in the direction that God wants us to go.  God is stirring something up inside our hearts.  We can feel it, we know its happening,  we are both feeling this renewing, and searching for more, and longing for His Presence to reign over our lives. 

  

  I need Him, Oh I need him so much right now.  I am so tired. I am tired of feeling hated for who I am, I am tired of loosing who I am in the mess of what others want from me or want me to be. It is time to stand up for me, to find strength in Christ, to stand my ground, to put on my amor of God, and prepare for the Spiritual warfare that has been waged on our family.   I want to sing again, and sing my heart out, to my God and King, regardless of what is thought about me.  I am a new Creation, Its time I start truly living that New Renewed life.   I have let my passions go idle because of this war between being the highs and lows of depression. My Oma recently told me that I need to do something for myself every day, like put on makeup, do my hair, Perfume, put some thing other then sweat pants on, whatever it might be to help combat the depression.  Depression is a cycle, and if you don't do something to change it, it will continue to pull you down.

 I want to be me and not be afraid of who she is, because someone might think ill of me.  I have felt in the past I was being left out, because of my very nature, and who I am.  I have felt completely disposable, and unwanted or needed. Wether or not this is entirely true, my heart tends to take everything quite personally, and I pull away and hide when I feel this fear of rejection creeping back in my heart. Part of this is the depression speaking and part is my very broken and weary heart speaking from my inmost being.  I lost who I was somewhere along this road of life.  

I am reading the book Present over Perfect, a fabulous book!  It has awakened my heart to realize, I don't have to settle my life for the sake of others and their happiness.Now in saying that, certain priorities remain, my husband and I are one unit, we need to be happy together, the other, of course is my children, but it may not be "stuff or money" that make them happy.  I have always dreamed of so much more for my life, and how I handle my emotions.  I have had a pretty interesting life thus far.   My life has been a rollercoaster of major ups and Major downs.  I have let many opinions of my rollercoaster life, define who I am in my own head, I let what they think of me, to get into my head as who they must think I am.  My biggest regret is  I let myself hide because of fear of rejection. 

I have come to feel, over the last few years that I am a person not worthy of spending time with. Specific things or even rumours I have heard said behind my back have such a catastrophic effect on my life. I let that (it) happen.  For years I let many run over me, and I let them think I was dumb and naive. I let the Blond hair mask, hide me, playing dumb became a way to cope. But I heard so much more in my heart then I will ever made evident. 

   I have let  many people believe that I was ok with what they had to say, even if it hurt like hell, and then it eats me alive it sinks to my core, and bores another hole into my heart.  In doing so I let myself and my own value of who I am be dependant on what others think. I think they call that a form of Co-dependancy.  It is completely destructive to God's promises over my life. "You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you." Romans 5:6

In the last 6 months since my sister in-law passed away in an accident, my soul has been searching and I realize that  I got some living to do, some serious slow down time, smelling the flowers, reevaluating what is most important, and what our goals and dreams are for myself and as a couple, our little family. Its time for a revival.  Right now my head is going 10,000 miles an hour.  Satan is doing a  fabulous job of undermining me, I am in over thinking mode, and playing out scenes  in my head from my life wondering how I could have done it different, what I would have said different, what I would say to someone if the right opportunity presented its self. 

 I want to take back my life, to live in the moment and let was has not happened or what has happened be,  to take back what belongs to my King, Jesus Christ. I need His help to take it back,  I need his strength to stand even when the results could be hard.  Christ needs to "take my life and let it be Consecrated unto thee".  Not just some of the things in my life  but MY WHOLE life, All the stuff, depression, hurts, habits and hang ups.. 

The mind is incredibly powerful, and resourceful when it is required our Minds were in fact created by God.   The time is now, that I use my experiences to propel me forward, and yes, depression will likely still be there, and anxiety something that I will likely deal with for my life, I have the ability to take back the control that Satan has on my life in the areas of self confidence, worth, and faith.  Those are not satan's to have, God defeated satan so I could live a life, that is worthy of Giving to Him,  I don't have to live under the weight of sin.  Depression is not sin, but giving into these feeling of despair and blaming others and God himself, and letting it rule over my mind, and continually let myself believe that I am not good enough, that the depression makes me permanently unworthy is the sin.  I am worth taking care of, I am beautiful, I am HIS.  

Living as Those Made Alive in Christ

1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.

2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 

3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 

Colossians 3:1-3

 I feel that I am at a critical cross road in my life,  the decisions being made are ones that will impact our future for years to come.  It has been so heavy on our hearts the last 4-6 weeks. God is calling.  We are just trying to decipher what this calling means. We do believe that it comes with a tremendous sense of change.  

  Change is coming.  It has to.  I cannot continue this existence.  I go to bed, thinking about all the hurts, habits and hangups that are piled up in my mind and heart and I wake up and put them all back in the bag slung over my shoulder, and try to get through my day.  Its so heavy, its such a burden.  

It is ridiculous and crazy, that I can't seem to trust the creator of the universe with my deepest hurts.  I have separated who I am in the winter, from who I am in the summer, because I feel so vastly different from one part of the year from the rest of the year.  In the summer, I feel much more on fire for Life, including God, but in the winter, its much harder to be happier with life, with God, and all the hurts and hangups from the year get caught up and stay with me more so in the winter.  So, I know I have some serious trust issues, and I have some serious prayer to indulge in.  I want His Spirit to dwell, reign and take over my life.  God has better plans for me then this!!   I need to Trust, that he has me covered. His Blood covers it ALL

Depression is something I will likely face the rest of my days on this planet, and I will likely have more valleys to wade through and more amazing views to see from the tops of the mountains I have climbed.  Depression is a TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME kind of Life.  This past 4 weeks has been so hard, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate for the next 5 months.  Winter is something that has a significant sway on our decisions for the future, because of the Seasonal Affective Disorder, and Arthritis.  We are faced with a reality that Winter is not good for us at all.  Depression is something that so many of us in the western Hemisphere deal with because of the lack of sun, and so forth. 

Our hearts are stirring and our longings are changing.  We are longing for freedom from winter blues, we are longing for a simpler life, with more defined boundaries. For myself, the realization of just how much I depend on others to define me....Tells me I Have some serious work to do. 

 I declare today that I will not stand for the schemes of the devil anymore. My heart does not belong to the Master of destruction. It belongs to the King of Kings, and I will put on the amor of God, when it comes to this world, I will fight valiantly and with growing devotion. I will declare victory over my life, Victory in Christ, Victory over the sorrows of this world, and Victory over Depression. Battles will still need to be fought, but God is the commander, and the Giver of life 

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:14

I will continue to fight the Sin in this world, and I will still have my days of sadness, I will still be dealing with Depression. But I am NOT alone. 

 “For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world- our faith.”

1 John 5:4

Blessings

Deeds K.