Holding out for Emotional Healing??

 I am so dam stuck in a pit of despair and resentment.  I have tried to beat it into the ground, I have yelled. I have tried everything to avoid the conflicts that massacre my soul.  My soul is dying.  I have tried to hide it,  Pretended that I was ok with the daggers in my back.  So much, to much, drowning.  I will never forget the rejection, how can I ?  I only wanted to be, to have someone that cared without judgement, someone  who wanted me, no matter what state I was in. I was wrong to think that they could carry me in my brokenness.  Only You God could do that.   Us,  we humans are pathetic, fad-tastic, all about ourselves, and our personal opinions.  

 I wanted them to tell me that I was enough, that I was someone they needed, that I was wanted, treasured.  That place that could fall into open arms and be safe. I don't feel safe. I have no safe place. My own mind is toxic from the anger of hurt and rejection, failures and losses.  I can't see tomorrow through the fog of today.  I can't see its like my eye's are blindfolded. The vibrant colors of the past, have faded to darkness.  

The weight of grief pulled me under,  I am still breathing, but it is water not air, my lungs fill, my heart struggles to want to keep bleeding, from the wounds of rejection, heartache and despairing loss.  Oh God, what did I do to loose their love?  What have I become? Who am I?   When does the pencil hit the paper, and I write my story with joy instead of heart break.  Lord, please take these burdens.  Please, let me lay it at your feet.  How do I set my spirit free?  How do I choose joy.  How do I let the hurts go?  Oh God, I hurt.  I have believed the lies he( Satan) has told me.  I won't ever be good enough for them, so how do I be good enough for You, God?  

Sunday school answers do nothing for me, I know them in my heart, but I need more then the knowledge now.  I long for deeper, wider, soul riveting, passionate healing, feeling.  That make or break line is where I stand.  God, hear my lament, hear my desperate plea.  Will I ever be loved like my mother loved me?  Will I ever feel that I am beautiful? Will I ever be who I am meant to be? All this refining, and moulding of my life, what is it for?   Oh, God please show me the way I am to go.  Set them free.  I cannot carry, shame that I know nothing about, the weight of peoples opinions of me,  that somehow feel so deeply as my identity.  What is this shame? What have I done?  Why won't they tell me?  Why must I feel this deep despair?  Set them free from the tyranny of my anger, my brain, my heart, so I can live. This isn't living!  Set this mind into motion, action, forward. A tiny ember glows so faintly orange,  hope. 

Perseverance is so hard when the muscles of my body ache, when the ache of my heart seems to drown out the joy. There is joy all around me, but I can't hear it. Why can't I hear it?  I am numb.  Why must we be on opposite shores?  Why do people have to fight, why must we take up arms and fight to the death?  Disease, and opinion, denial, hatred, bleeding lives, bleeding the blood of peace. I am weary. 

I am strong.  I am beautiful.  I am loved.  I am enough. I am not meant for brokenness.  I am meant to heal.  Stride forward, leave it behind. Close doors. It's ok.   Heal.   I am more then the worth of someone's opinion of me. Opinions are nothing more then the weakness of our minds, ghosts of our fears. They matter none. Truth matters. God is truth.  Speak truth unto me, God!  Speak life into these brittle bones, and fading dreams.  Speak more then the words of others, speak passion into my life again, speak joy, love, PEACE, OH God SPEAK PEACE IN MY LIFE.  Reach into the depths of my darkness and light that fire, fan it into flames. Light up my life, like the rising of the sun, bring me back to You

****This is a lament***   I am on a path to healing but I have to release my hurts first, this was just me venting out emotions, hurts, and deep feelings.  Perhaps someone reading this will find a way to lament too. We were never meant to carry this weight of burdens, habits and hangups. We are more then that, I had lost sight of that in recent years. However,  God is gracious, and his mercies are new everyday.  I will praise him in the storm. He has allowed me to travel through many, often I don't know why. I pray that He will guide this broken heart, and I would take comfort under His wings.   

Blessings, 

Deeds K.